K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
