oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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