everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
