I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
