i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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