You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
