I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize