Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
