I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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