Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
