You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Buhtt sex?
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
