So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
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