someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Randomize