Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
