Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
