I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
