and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
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