I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
