Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
