we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
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