I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
