1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
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