I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
