So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Randomize
