You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
