Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
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