fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
