Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
