new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
