Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
