She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize