An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
