if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
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