So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
