im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize