I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
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