i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Randomize
