My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
