I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Randomize
