I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize