Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
