I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Randomize
