I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Me. At least after what I've been through.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Randomize
