ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Randomize
