So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
