the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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