fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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