I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
