Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
i think i have herpe
just one?
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
