i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
