I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Randomize
