My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Randomize
