Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
that's an acceptable place to lick
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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