Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
