oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize