btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
