You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
