Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
